so, i don't think i'm going to blog on this blog any more..  i just don't come here any more..

but i'm still on mindsay, just at my other blog, so if you really wanna visit me, go to purgatorying instead, okay?

also, i'm transfering all my friends over to there..  so, add me if you want, don't add me if you don't want..  but that's me these days..

hey friends.. 

this is just a little update to let ya'll know i've got a new blog site at purgatorying ..  i'll still post here from time to time, but ill be on my new blog too.. 

and check out this emoticon!!  omg, i love it!!

anyways, love ya!

*/arianne

i don't know why i don't just go home..  i think it's finally gotten to the point where they won't care if i go..  atleast that's what it sounded like last night..

lately, whenever i've asked to call him, i get the same thing:  mom rolls her eyes and says "do what ever you want to do, arianne" and i feel guilty..  well, last night was no different..  only i heard what they said about me after i left the room..  i stood at the top of the stairs and listened to them and felt like tearing my hair out..

but this is what i wanted, right?  i wanted it to get to the point where they'd be okay if i left..  i've pushed and pushed and pushed them away and they've tried to hold on, but i think it's getting to be too much for them..  they're giving up, my family is giving up on me..         it's hard to swallow, but isn't this what i wanted?

this was supposed  to make it easier to leave, supposed to ease the pain, but now it's only causing more.. 

my family won't care if i leave tomorrow and now january 24 is only 56 days away..

god, am i really going to do this?

i've decided...  and i've told ms. lussier.. 

 i'm not taking the job..

i'm going to go home..  i still don't know what i'm going to tell my parents, but i got the ball rolling last night before bed..  it's just a matter of time until they know..

loves,

arianne

get this:

a totally unbiased person told me today that they think it would be best for me if i stayed here and graduated from high school here in MI..

what do you say to this person who has experience, knowledge and a totally impartial opinion?

and then what do you say when your head is telling you to stay and your heart is telling you to get the hell out of here?

that job offer is still standing..  that's actually what brought up the conversation.. i know it wouldn't work if i was really going to leave in January..  and i want to go..  but now part of me wants to stay here and

i just hate all of this..  just when i think i've made up my mind 100%, there's .5% of me that doubts..  and how can you not pay any attention to that .5%?  how can you not think about it when it's eating your heart away??

loves,

arianne...

wow..

it's already november..  my 18th birthday has come and gone and here i am still in Michigan..  i've talked a lot about leaving this place and i think i'm finally to the point where i am accepting what's going to happen..  i don't know how i'm supposed to make it work, but i will..  in the end, everything will turn out to be the way it's supposed to..

the end of the marking period for school was last week and i managed to do pretty well..  my lowest grade was a B in my super hard and frustrating Trigonometry class..  after that, i had two A's and two A-'s..  oh yah, baby.. that's what it's all about..

i know that at this point in my life, i am standing at a crossroads..  two paths lay before me, one leading me home and the other leading me right back to where i already am..  it reminds me of that poem my late sixth grade teacher made us memorize because it was his favorite:  The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost.. 

"...Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less travelled by,
and that has made all the difference."

i know it will make all the difference..  for all those involved..  i really think it's for the best for me, for cole, for my family, every one..

i can't help but feel like everything's going to be okay, as scary as it all seems...

loves,

Arianne