i don't know why i don't just go home..  i think it's finally gotten to the point where they won't care if i go..  atleast that's what it sounded like last night..

lately, whenever i've asked to call him, i get the same thing:  mom rolls her eyes and says "do what ever you want to do, arianne" and i feel guilty..  well, last night was no different..  only i heard what they said about me after i left the room..  i stood at the top of the stairs and listened to them and felt like tearing my hair out..

but this is what i wanted, right?  i wanted it to get to the point where they'd be okay if i left..  i've pushed and pushed and pushed them away and they've tried to hold on, but i think it's getting to be too much for them..  they're giving up, my family is giving up on me..         it's hard to swallow, but isn't this what i wanted?

this was supposed  to make it easier to leave, supposed to ease the pain, but now it's only causing more.. 

my family won't care if i leave tomorrow and now january 24 is only 56 days away..

god, am i really going to do this?